i have fond memories of looking at clothes online. ones that remind me of what makes the internet so alive, the meaning that goes into everyday objects, and how ive grown and changed over the years

recently i went back and looked thru old r/mfa inspiration posts. i couldnt find all the albums and images that come to mind when i reminisce about those days, but the ones i found? oh man they make me feel old

when i remember myself as a kid, the describing words that come to mind are "shy", "nervous", and "quiet". for better or worse, i think this identity will stick with me despite how much more comfortable i get in my own skin.

growing up i found clothes as an approachable way of getting used to self expression, and being more expressive as a person. i used to be so scared of being myself, even in small ways like mentioning things i enjoy. i cant imagine myself even wearing something like a graphic tee related to my interests, what if someone thought it was nerdy or lame?

"what will people say" - growing up in a collectivist culture beat this mindset into my head, and as a child it really instilled a lot of social anxiety and fear into my head.

love it or hate it, ppl judge a lot based off appearances. ur style, hair, posture, ppl will judge all of it before they even hear your voice. but as ive gotten older and gotten more accepting of this, ive realized not all judgement is bad. if i present my most authentic self in the moment, not everyones going to love it, but not everyone needs to. in fact, id much rather one person likes it, even if everyone else hates it, than have no one at all care whatsoever. "the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference"

seeing fashion inspo online as a middle / high schooler embodied something more than self-expression to me. it showed me that there was a wide world of strangers out there who are weird in the same ways i am. people who not only found community, but helped foster and create it through active participation. they werent scared in the same ways i was, as i just lurked on the forum. not only did it broaden my horizons to new ideas, but it gave me confidence. sure, even if the people i knew irl didnt appreciate or care for the same things, at least someone does right? isnt that enough?

lastly, it holds a lot of memories. the pieces ive bought dont mean much, but they remind me of times in my life that ill never get back, and might never even get the chance to really talk to anyone about